i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
