I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
