thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
