Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
