Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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