history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
