I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
