My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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