apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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