probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
