I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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