Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
