Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
