1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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