you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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