Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
