Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize