I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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