Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
