Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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