I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
