The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
