Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
