I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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