I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
