R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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