there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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