Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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