You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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