guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
