I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
