I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
