Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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