she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize