You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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