If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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