did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
