I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Randomize
