I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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