I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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