True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
