Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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