if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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