after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
