You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize