I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
