After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
