when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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