I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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