My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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