Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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