Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize