remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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