remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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