Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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