remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Do you have feelings for this penis?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize