and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
