He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
