I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
