I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Damn victory sex feels great
as a side note pls kill me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
