Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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